I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you