What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
You Might Also Like
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?