pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
This is a true ally.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me after eating Cheetos
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!