If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”