I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?