Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*cough*
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁