A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
He just like my cat fr
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool