Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
The sacred texts.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
😎 🍻
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!