Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
This is my emotional support knife.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Don’t tell me what to do