*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Noah
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
just make the entire table out of coaster
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.