Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park