[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married