It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..