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I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories