*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
our love story in four pictures
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.