I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
You Might Also Like
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
The absolute effort that went into this omg
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.