rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”