As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
bias laundering edition
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app