Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Mhm.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.