Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year