Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
They’re called werewolves.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.