Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.