Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Worst perfume name ever.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?