Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Anyone want a chair?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes