To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
had to share :’)
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[eulogy]
line?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”