Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?