You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.