Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
CRYING
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*