just witnessed a drug deal
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos