Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I beg your pardon?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
They got Raph!
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.