Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
You Might Also Like
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
How to draw a duck
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened