And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.