Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.