Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles