I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you