If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
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Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.