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I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds