judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
You Might Also Like
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“