My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
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Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??