Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Good news
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!