Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You Might Also Like
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Has science gone too far?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread