Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home