Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*