5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Just had my nails done!
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
That’s incredible! 👌
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.