The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”