[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea