COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10