Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
It’s the weekend y’all
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.