My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
As the Lord intended
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Introverted vegans go meetless
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles