Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Google reviews are always so mixed..
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Who called it baking and not making love
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000